The Gift Conundrum

I hate holiday gifting.

Each December I face the same issue, to give homemade gifts or to give purchased gifts to those members of my family who place a high importance on the gifts they receive and don't appreciate handmade items (those of you who have never received negative feedback on homemade gifts are very lucky).  I enjoy making gifts and doing so aligns with my personal values, but I worry that my insistence in doing so only causes me to come off as pretentious and holier-than-thou.

So I cycle between anger, despair, and stress when it comes to holiday gift giving.  It isn't about what I can afford based solely on my income, but on what my values are.  I like to give gifts that are beautiful, useful, or consumable.  If I can't make something homemade I like to purchase something homemade, but in either case the gift recipient can't return it if it isn't what they want.  Forget giving second hand gifts within my family; it is generally considered akin to giving someone a bag of your garbage.

What I want is to give homemade gifts and not worry that people won't like what I made or think that I make homemade gifts because I am "cheap".  I hate when others form expectations based on what they think your income is or what they think you should do (like go into debt for holiday gifts).  I kind of hate that my family hasn't joined the handmade revival (although I was giving handmade before handmade was hip) and still thinks that the best gifts come from factories and stores.

The truth is, I know I can't please people even if I shop for them.  We all know how hard it is to hit a home run in the gift department, even with those we know really well.  It's even harder when we are talking about adults that we see only a few times a year and when budgets are involved.  Is your brother still into punk rock, and if so, what is current in punk rock and does he already have it?  Does he have an iPod?  Would buying a CD be archaic?  Do you give an iTunes gift card instead?  Does he know how to download music?

It's not like everyone else out there is hitting home runs either.  I mean, really, how many popcorn tins can one person receive?  Are we supposed to feel carefully considered because we received a gift that was peddled as a fundraiser for someone's child's school?  Is the fact that someone spent real money on an impersonal gift supposed to make us believe that it is still better than something handcrafted, a gift of time or talent, or a gift of charity?  (Don't get me started on charity gifts, which my family derides as giving yourself a gift under the pretense of gifting someone else.  Honestly, they'd rather have presents.)

Some families resort to giving gift cards.  Gift cards are less stigmatized than giving cash (which really shouldn't be stigmatized but is because people know how much you "spent"), but really, all they do is allow the giver to choose where you get to spend the money they are giving you, thus potentially limiting you to shopping at Sephora when what you really need is at The Home Depot, or eating at The Cheesecake Factory when you prefer In 'N Out Burger.  Also, they shift funds to chain stores and restaurants rather than allowing you to patronize local businesses simply because it is difficult for family members who don't live in your town to buy a gift certificate from your favorite local store or restaurant (assuming they even know what those are).

I don't particularly enjoy receiving gifts as an adult.  Perhaps it is because the magic has worn off and I see past paper and bows to items which serve no purpose and deplete the earth's resources.  Perhaps I am jaded living in a society of (mostly) plenty and see no reason to receive things that I could buy for myself if I wanted to (but probably haven't, which tells you something right there).  But mostly it is probably because I stopped judging the value and happiness of my life based on the stuff I own, and thus giving me stuff doesn't bring me happiness, even at holiday time.  You can't prove you love me by giving me the best present ever and you can't make me think you don't love me by giving me a popcorn tin dud.

And that, I suppose, is the crux of it.  When did holiday gift giving to adults become about giving them exactly what they want?  When did adults start making holiday wish lists for themselves?  When did our worth as human beings become something judged by the holiday gifts we give?  Why is buying something valued over making something, and spending more valued over spending less?  Why the heck is going into debt valued over living within your means?

And so the cycle.  Decide to give handmade gifts.  Work on those.  Start to feel insecure about handmade gifts.  Decide that monetary gifts would be better received.  Get angry about that.  Throw hands in air.  Post rant on blog.  Decide that handmade is good enough.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

Disclaimer:  This rant only applies to certain branches of the family.  My father-in-law and stepmother-in-law love all things handmade as well as simple holidays with a focus on people, not presents. 

A Busy December

I don't mean to not be here.  I'm just in a weird place right now, at times incredibly busy, but also succumbing to complete inertia at other times. There was a funeral to plan and attend and now I have started the task of moving and sorting through what is left of my grandmother's possessions. Sometimes when I am procrastinating doing something in the house I will head out to the garage and spend hours with the boxes. Already I've sent 12 huge boxes of housewares to Goodwill.  I'm starting to think that I want to stay away from thrifting for awhile.

In the meantime, it's the Christmas season, which brings about a busyness of its own.  I made our advent calendar the night before I flew up north for my grandmother's funeral; I needed to know that it would be ready to go the day after I got home.  I was inspired by a couple of very simple envelope advent calendars that I saw online, but had to make it my own:

I used kraft coin envelopes, which I already had.  We purchased some rubber stamps and scrapbooking embellishments and I went to work decorating the envelopes with numbers, stamped images, and the embellishments.  I hung the envelopes on baker's twice using miniature clothes pins and then painted a slightly larger craft clothes pin bright red to mark the day.  I had originally thought we'd take each envelope off the garland when it was opened, but it really messed with the weight distribution so I came up with the idea for the red clothes pin.  The envelopes aren't sealed shut which means we can reuse them next year.  I don't put candy in our advent envelopes, just a slip of paper with an activity or craft on it.

(Since I took these pictures we've decorated the mantle with garlands, candles, and cut crystal and we've hung our stockings behind the garland.  It looks pretty plain in the picture.)

Here is a close up of a few envelopes:

And one with the red clothes pin:

So far we've watched Christmas specials and movies, done some crafts, decorated the house, gone to Disneyland, eaten at a favorite restaurant, and more.

I keep saying that life will get back to normal once we get past the holidays ~ maybe I should just accept this as normal for now.

Depleted

Way back when we were just starting the homeschooling journey one of the many benefits of homeschooling commonly touted by the veterans was how flexible homeschooling could be when life pitched you curve balls.  Back then I couldn't imagine that I would need this flexibility, but in 2006 I faced a serious health crisis and a diagnosis of a chronic disease, in early 2007 my grandfather passed away, and in fall 2007 my mother died after a couple of months of hospitalization.

It was about that time that rhythmic homeschooling fell by the wayside in our home and we started to go with the flow of unschooling.  It certainly has its benefits but I have written time and time again about the importance of rhythm to my family.  We finally tamed all the chaos and got ourselves back into a solid homeschooling rhythm.

But last month another curve ball came our way.  My grandmother had a (second) massive stroke and we made the decision to move her to my sister's for hospice care.  Needless to say we weren't thinking about homeschooling.  My grandmother passed away peacefully eight days later, and then there were plans to make and a trip to her old hometown so that she could be buried with my grandfather.  Then I came home, but the work was only just starting.  Only today was I even able to contemplate getting back on track with focused lesson work.

It hasn't been all play and no work for the boys; they have kept up reading, had their science lessons with Papa, attended a performance of The Tempest, watched several episodes of The Cosmos, practiced singing Christmas carols, played geography board games, knit a little, listened to audiobooks, worked on baseball skills, drawn, done some writing, discussed the most recent findings about the building blocks of life, and more.  It is truly amazing how well unschooling works.  Indeed, I find that it works really well for just about everything, excepting math and that rock solid rhythm that I like for us to have.

It is true that the flexibility of homeschooling can be a benefit in these cases; I was able to take my boys with me out of town without worrying about them missing school or keeping up with homework.  But it also creates issues.  My boys lost their daily rhythm and I had a hard time choosing between my responsibilities to them, giving the necessary help needed to my sister, and caring for myself.  And as we all know, we tend to put ourselves last and that certainly happened with me.

So here I am with two weeks to go in what was planned as a short block to begin with.  We lost the last week of our November Ancient Cultures block (but that was a four week block so we managed fine), had a week that was planned off anyway, and lost the first week of our first North American Geography block.  I sat down today to do some planning and realized just how very depleted I am.  All weekend was spent catching up on housework that hadn't been done while I was away as well as driving to my grandmother's storage unit and moving all of that to my house (five hours in the car yesterday after very little sleep).  This morning I went for groceries, came home, and realized that I have nothing to go on.

For next couple of months I will be juggling being a full time homemaker, a homeschooling mother, a wife, and the executor of a living trust.  Not taking care of myself isn't going to be an option; what sort of works in the very short term won't work at all with the added responsibility and stress I will have until my job is finished.  I have to find a way to make it all work.

So now I have to decide what to do for the next two weeks.  Get back into a basic rhythm but give up on the first geography block for now, rearranging our schedule to add an extra three weeks to our school year?  Drop the Ancient Geometry block planned for January and move the geography block there?  We've done some of it already and geometry will be thoroughly covered using Life of Fred, but this block looked fun(!).  Keep Ancient Geometry but drop one Botany block since we did so much with it during the 2008-2009 school year?  Go on full holiday now and start everything again in January, or get this next month of mathematics in?

Reading all those choices (which I just came up with as I was typing) I think the best choice may be to condense Botany into one block (knowing we've done some of it and that it will come up again in biology), giving me space to move the first North American Geography block to January and the Ancient Geometry block into February.  We can spend the rest of this month reestablishing our morning rhythm with holiday crafting in place of the main lesson.  That gets us back on track with daily math and spelling.  I can breathe a bit and take my time planning the geography block rather than doing it by the seat of my pants, which is good because breath is what I need right now.

Finding Comfort

We've had a tough week.  I don't usually spill major details so let's just say it was a very tough week.  In the end, my grandmother passed away.

Sometimes I don't realize how important our rhythm is and how nurturing our environment is until we are away from home for an extended time.  It was difficult to be out of town with the boys, staying in a hotel and spending a lot of time at my sister's house.  Not only did I feel out of sorts but my boys started showing signs of real stress.  The first night we drove out (Saturday) they went home and I didn't and it was even harder for them; they love Papa but all is not right in the world if Mama isn't home.  I went home Sunday when I heard that both boys had cried themselves to sleep.  When I went back Tuesday I took them with me.  No matter what is going on Papa and my boys are still the most important things in my universe.

Whenever you are in someone else's house their differences are glaring.  Everyone has different values and habits and you find yourself trying to adapt as best you can.  Like many families, the TV is on almost constantly at my sister's house (it was only off when I turned it off and that would only last until my BIL entered the room).  There was a PS2 (game system) set up for the kids and having to choose between R-rated movies with foul language and the PS2 I had to choose the video games as the lesser of two evils, despite my misgivings.  At other times a more child-friendly show or movie would be put on (my sister doesn't let her children watch R-rated movies either).

The TV and video games made everything much worse when we were up there.  I tried to stay calm and centered but my boys were clearly overstimulated.  Unfamiliar surroundings, a less than peaceful environment, electronic media, and the magnitude of the situation were all too much.  In the end I had to make the decision to come home as it was clear that it was all too much for J-Baby.

(I want to say here that I in no way think that my children suffered any long-term damage from this week of chaos and excessive media.  Sometimes you have no choice but to be in the chaos for a little bit.  But there did come a point where I sensed that being there was more than he could bear.)

One of my goals is to have peace and warmth in my home, not only in our interactions with each other but also as a physical presence.  The physical peace comes from a strong rhythm and an environment that is tidy and uncluttered.  Knowing that each day will bring is comforting and allows us to be free of worry. Having clean and tidy spaces to live in eliminates mental chaos and frees us to relax fully.  It brings rest and calm.

For me, tidiness is also part of warmth.  A clean, tidy home is inviting, with both its physical presence and its mental calm.  A couch that is free of clothing waiting to be folded welcomes you to sit.  A dining room table with no more than a cloth and vase of flowers on it welcomes you to sit and eat.  So many people think that having a neat home is overrated, but it works for me.  I wouldn't want to have guests in my home if it wasn't tidy and I strongly feel that my family and I deserve the same consideration in our own home.  I grew up in a family that scrambled to clean things for visitors and it never made sense to me.

Here it is Monday and we are solidly back into rhythm.  Chores were done this morning.  The boys had quiet time and they did an afternoon project.  There was time for reading books and playing games.  They asked to knit and crochet so we got started on some holiday gifts.  Everything hasn't settled; a family member needed to stop by for some paperwork, there have been many phone calls making arrangements, and there is much to be done.  But I feel calm and peaceful.  The afternoon light is shining in the window.  The house is quiet (no TV, iPod, or radio).

This is where I find my comfort.  In the peaceful calm of home, in the warmth of my home and family, in the strong rhythms that guide my days.  Rather than being unmoored by my thoughts and grief I am grounded and sustained by our daily rhythm.  It brings me strength, and purpose, and the sure knowledge that life goes on.

It's Getting Better All the Time ...

Better, Better, Better.

(Yeah, we're Beatles geeks.)

We are three weeks into our customized method combining Waldorf with some traditional learning methods and a helping of unschooling and it is going exceedingly well.

Our days go like this: wake, breakfast, play (or computer for me), chores, lessons, lunch, quiet time, projects and free time, more play (while I make dinner), dinner, tidy, family walk, evening lesson with Papa, read in bed, lights out.

We're making even more of an effort to stay home.  I know many people think it isn't as important once a child is older than seven, but it's a habit that still works for us.  If I can at all help it we don't go anywhere by car Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday.  On Thursday afternoons we go to the library and the natural foods market and on Friday afternoons we have our park gathering.

It's different from what almost all of our other homeschool friends do, but as I said it works for us.  My children are grounded in their rhythm and nurtured by being home.  We aren't driving here and there for lessons and field trips and that means we can focus on lessons in the mornings and have a lot of free time for unscripted learning and even just being.  Imaginative play is so important for children; it allows the brain to relax and grow.

There is a quote (attributed to Yeats but that is widely debated) that goes along these lines:

Education is not the filling of a bucket,
but rather
the lighting of a fire.


Our entire American education system is about filling the bucket and it is easy for homeschoolers to get caught up in the same methods.  So even when I am teaching more traditional materials I try to remind myself what my goals are.  I want to expose my children to many different ideas and subjects, not so that they can recite facts back at me but so that we can find out what sparks their fire.

Wait, why did I bring up the bucket?  Oh yes, I was going to say that I am often dismayed at how busy some homeschoolering parents keep their children.  I guess it works for them and that is reason enough for me to stay out of it, but really, I do find it sad that even homeschooled children are so overscheduled.  Many homeschooling parents are desperately trying to fill the bucket.  Perhaps they were overscheduled as children and don't know anything different. Perhaps they are afraid that their children won't succeed if they aren't pushed as other American children are.

For me, this is no place for fear. I've already chosen something so very different for my children that trying to make them like other children doesn't make any sense to me.

More Metlox!

A few weeks ago I found this Metlox Poppytrail Sculptured Grape teapot, which I blogged about over at The Thrift Collective.  I've only recently begun collecting Californian pottery in earnest and it is something I will only thrift for.

Yesterday I found an entire lot of the same pattern at my local Goodwill!  I grabbed it because it had the matching tea cups, creamer, and sugar, but there were some other pieces as well.

Here is the teapot in the china cabinet with the sugar bowl, creamer and a platter.

One of the tea cups (each had a saucer).

A stack of the other pieces.  There are seven bowls, seven luncheon/dessert plates, and four dinner plates.  The dinner plates have newer marks and two of them are pretty beat up.  I'm thinking they were added later or perhaps came in at the same time but from a different donor.

The pieces in the lot were pretty sad looking when I brought them home, but a date with some Barkeeper's Friend and a basin of hot soapy water (plus elbow grease) did wonders.  The outside of the bowls were nearly grey and now they look lovely.  I can hardly believe that I have gotten started collecting this pattern for so little; the teapot was $5 and the lot of everything else was $20.  Now I want to have a tea party!

A Successful Week

Wow.  We made it through a whole week of lessons, and no one melted down (I'm pretty proud of myself for that) and no one got bored or unmotivated.  That is my definition of success.

This seems to be a pretty good combination of Waldorf and other more traditional methods of teaching. We all love doing main lesson blocks and I guess it was a mistake to toss those when the boys asked for more math and science.  This week we learned the story of Divaali and the boys were entranced.

So far I really like our resources.  I am seeing regular improvement using Daily Grammar and Spelling City, especially with spelling.  It may be that the boys were just finally developmentally ready to learn spelling, but I think it also helps that there are games and that I am not the one giving a "test".  I removed myself from the equation completely and stopped being vested in whether or not they are good spellers.

Life of Fred is even better for our math than I thought it would be, and I love that it is so simple.  There aren't manipulatives to keep track of or separate worksheets, just the one book and our math notebooks.  I also think that it is teaching math in a way that is meaningful and long lasting.  We took our time this week, working all of the bridge exercises, and then today I separated them for their final bridge (test) and they were both less stressed.  We talked about why they felt stressed and how they don't have to do everything a book says they have to do.

It all feels so simple and right ~ basic academics mixed with humanities and the arts.  I feel more patient because I am more in tune with my purpose, which is to expose my children to new ideas and skills but not to force information into them.  We have good rhythm to the mornings and time in the afternoons to explore or just relax.  I'm not killing myself planning out every detail, either, since we are mostly just working in sequence.

Balance, that's what it is.  Simplicity and balance.  It feels good.