Wednesday, January 10, 2007

A Dream

(The kind you have when you sleep.)

I don't often remember my dreams. I usually only have a good awareness of them if I have awakened a little early, then gone back to sleep and overslept a bit.

This morning I was dreaming that I had made up with an old friend. We were at her house, with our husbands. I was reluctant; in the dream this was something she wanted. It had been arranged by our husbands. No words were really spoken; she came up to me and I sort of gave her a hug and she clung rather tightly for a few minutes. Her husband at one point took my hand and squeezed it in some sort of gratefulness.

I kept catching glimpses of myself in various mirrors. I was repeatedly startled to see that my hair was much lighter, a golden blonde color. It always seemed backlit, and glowing around my face. Yet I was clearly me, and not anyone else.

I tried to clean the cat box for her, but emptied the food waste bin by accident. The food was all produce and looked more like newly chopped vegetables than anything rotting or leftover. I definitely saw red potatoes cut in half, and remember thinking that they looked perfect. My friend was a bit perturbed that I had made such a mistake. I returned the food waste to the proper bin, but didn't return to taking care of the cat box.

I tried to take a shower, but there was no shampoo in the shower. I wanted to get out and get some, and someone came into the bathroom so I couldn't.

Her backyard was big, and at first glance bigger than it had been. It was all grass except for a garden area. I wondered where the orange trees had gone. She told me they had annexed some land from a neighbor, and said they had obtained 10 acres for $10,000, which of course was an absolute steal. Altogether that would make nearly 15 acres, but what I was looking at was really just a big back yard, perhaps half an acre.

I know that I had thought about this friend yesterday. I was remembering how we would talk on the phone almost everyday, sometimes for hours. We would talk about all sorts of things (and some things not at all). I was thinking that I missed that, but wouldn't want it back with that particular friend. I was thinking about how I am making new friendships, and reminded myself that it takes time, and compatability, and patience, and effort, and stumbling, and mistakes.

I think in the dream the yearning was meant to be mine. I think my reluctance was my self reminding me that I don't want to compromise my values in order to have that friendship back. I think her husband's gratitude was my realization that it puts a lot on a man to take on the role of husband and close girl friend, and that I have relied a lot on Papa lately and am worried that it is too painful for him. I have to say it was completely out of character for her husband, who has never liked me.

I think my hair represented changes in me that perhaps I have not noticed. I think it shows that I am a different person than I was 3 years ago when we were friends. That it was lighter, and golden, tells me that the changes have been very positive.

The cat box? I used to clean their cat box when they went on vacation. It's weird that it was in my dream. However, it could represent the fact that I tried to change my friend, and in reality I failed just as I failed at cleaning the cat box in the dream. The fact that I had tossed out food scraps instead probably has do with my wanting to start a compost bin, and my friend's reaction to it might mean that she doesn't want to change something that she feels is useful.

I think the shower incident was meant to reminding me that I can't find what I need in that friendship, and also that it made me feel very unclean because I had to compromise my values to maintain it. The person coming in represented to me an obstacle that is not me.

I'm not sure about the land part of the dream. I remember thinking that the useful part of her land was gone (the orange grove), and that the grass was hard to maintain and was wasteful. That might have just been another reminder that the friendship is over and not worth pursuing (I wasn't aware that I had even considered renewing it). The garden seemed to be something we had in common, as I am trying to start a garden now. It was small and newly planted (I had just been emailing with another friend about planting now). The fact that she got more land so cheaply left me wondering about her ethics in the dream, but might just represent her frugality. Also, I think it might relate to the fact that I had been telling Papa that living the way I do is really, really hard sometimes, especially compared to living a less-aware, mainstream life. I know I was thinking that I could never get land that cheaply. What is really interesting was that there wasn't as much land there as there was supposed to be. Sometimes I think that is a fitting description of our friendship. It was never as deep as it could have been, it was more quantity than quality, and I never felt free to totally be myself. For a long time I knew I was making compromises, and up until the final break it seemed like it was worth it.

So there you go, my amateur attempt at dream interpretation. Something completely new and unique for this blog. I do think it is fascinating the way the brain works!

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