...whether or not you're doing what you want to do.
I haven't been here in a while (did you notice?), and wow, I must say that I am blown away by my last two posts. They so clearly show exactly where I am right now and the things I struggle with. Sometimes when I am caught up in the day-to-day things I forget the bigger picture. At times the words I've written resound as if a much wiser me had inscribed tablets with all the very mundane me would need when the going gets rough.
So, I'm not here. Part of me wants to blog, and part of me realizes that for the most part the people who read my blog are people who know me in real life. And I must say, it can feel awkward when I'm talking to someone about something and she mentions that she read it on my blog. I get this "Oh yeah, I spill my guts on the internet" feeling, and I wonder how it effects connection at the local, human level.
But I love blogs. There are so many blogs out there that are inspire me. Craft blogs, sewing blogs, crochet and knitting blogs, homesteading blogs, cooking blogs, environmental blogs. I'd start naming names but then I'd run out of time and space. Here we are, all of us, writing and publishing ourselves on the web.
So I've been stuck. What do I want to write about? Are my thoughts an inspiration to anyone but myself? Maybe not, but maybe that doesn't matter. Should I tighten my focus? If so, where do I go with all of this? A handwork/crafts blog? A holistic home learning blog (oh wait, I have one of those, sorely neglected, of course)? A living lightly environmental blog? A fun and frugal blog? A cooking blog focusing on ethical eating with special dietary needs? Should I explore the realm of relationships and love? Share my personal journey?
I don't know. Honestly, I think it is because I don't know where I want my writing to take me. Blogging has brought back the writer that I thought had left many years ago. Writer. I used to claim the label boldly. I was a writer, and a poet, and a songwriter. I was an environmentalist, activist, a feminist, an intellectual.
When I got lost, all of the labels slipped away. It took every ounce of energy I had to simply be a person. And now, here I am, walking my path, and all of these other women I used to be keep popping out from behind trees and bushes, clamoring to merge in once more, to be part of me. And finally, finally the MAMA that I became, the MAMA that helped me heal and learn to live again, she is ready to accept that she is all of these women, that there is room for everyone. Indeed, there is room for everything that I want to be.
The tricky thing then, is figuring out exactly who that is.