I ran into an old friend at the grocery store this morning. We hadn't seen each other in a few years, and it was nice to say hello.
By all accounts, she and I should have been good friends. Both unabashedly left in our politics, we were both highly concerned about the environment and conflicted about our roles as stay-at-home mothers. When our boys were young we belonged to the same mothers' group. We'd get together for breakfast or tea, walk to the bagel shop with our toddlers in tow, and even tried power walking a couple of times. She was faster than I was.
We weren't exactly two peas in a pod. I'd bake homemade cookies and stop by with them; she would assume they were slice-and-bake. She entertained more and had more interests outside of mothering.
Things didn't stay easy. Her son didn't like my boys, who besides being loud and boistrous, outnumbered him two-to-one. She watched my baby a few times while I took the two-year old to speech therapy, and her son decided that he was a definite threat.
Soon the social awkwardness went both ways. By the time my oldest was three years old he withdrew socially; other kids were moving past parallel play and expected him to talk, and well, he didn't. When he was four we stopped attending play groups.
For awhile I thought that she was too cool for me; she was cool in ways I only dreamed of. She was active politcally and attempting not to lose herself in motherhood. She had lived all over the country as well as abroad, and I had barely stirred from Southern California since birth.
For a few years I was haunted by the thought that some how I wasn't cool enough to remain friends with her after our children made things difficult. It wasn't just this relationship either; I felt unwanted as a friend each time I made the attempt with anyone new. Marrying young, my fragile self-esteem had never known the dance of connection and rejection. I assumed it was something fundamentally wrong with me that kept me from maintaining more than one close friendship. I assumed everyone else already had great friends and that I kept choosing people who just didn't need me as a friend.
I've come a long way since then. I've learned that people are interesting in different ways, and that my envy regarding someone else's "cool" factor only underlines a need within myself. One woman isn't more hip than I am because she writes; she's interesting because she writes and I seek the courage to see my words in print as well. Another woman isn't "better" than I am because she gets involved politcally; she simply models something that I want for my own life. It makes sense to connect with women who share some of my interests and values.
After I saw my friend I sent her an email expressing a desire to get together again sometime. I realized now that I can do this - send out feelers to various women I meet - without obsessing over the outcome or feeling less than worthy if I don't get the response I seek. I am merely picking dandelions heads and scattering the seeds. Some will take, some won't, and it is no reflection on my value as a human being. Vitality and wisdom are my human birthright; they are the core of all humanity.
Friday, September 15, 2006
Tuesday, September 5, 2006
Enki Update
We've started our break early. We missed two drawings, but have worked the four processes pretty well through conscious effort in our daily lives. We'll keep that up, and we'll practice reading skills, but that is it for academics. Heck, we may do the drawing in the near future, just because the boys like to draw. But mentally, for my sake, we are on break.
There's too much going on. I've held it together, planning late into the night, always trying to stay one step ahead. We've introduced everything I wanted to introduce in grade 1. We're also tired and burned-out. All I am really doing is making official something that happened a couple of weeks ago; making it official eliminates the guilt.
I need to slow down with Enki, take the break, connect with my boys, read, absorb, plan (slowly). I need to add things in a bit at a time, building the melody of the rhythm (we have the basic container in place). I need to make Enki part of my life, but not the main focus.
There's too much going on. I've held it together, planning late into the night, always trying to stay one step ahead. We've introduced everything I wanted to introduce in grade 1. We're also tired and burned-out. All I am really doing is making official something that happened a couple of weeks ago; making it official eliminates the guilt.
I need to slow down with Enki, take the break, connect with my boys, read, absorb, plan (slowly). I need to add things in a bit at a time, building the melody of the rhythm (we have the basic container in place). I need to make Enki part of my life, but not the main focus.
Friday, September 1, 2006
What Was I Thinking?
Really. I must be certifiably insane.
I wanted the white dishes unpacked. There were several reasons for this. One, I've been using the same dishes for 18 years. I replaced some of the plates a few years back after realizing that new serving pieces would cost me an arm and a leg if I ever changed dishes, but after a few more years of hard use even the new plates are very scratched (stoneware isn't exactly forgiving). I still have 12 unused plates stored, but I didn't really want to get those down.
I'm not the kind of person to buy new dishes just because. Not that I think it is wasteful, because I am sure someone would use and love the old dishes. No, I'm pretty much just too frugal to buy new dishes. The thing is, I'm not even sure I don't want my old dishes anymore. They are my wedding dishes (though not the pattern I chose), and I spent years scouring outlets and eBay to add many unique pieces. So good memories are attached to them, as well as regret (in hindsight I sure wish I hadn't bought all the accessories).
No, I had another plan. I want to make things easier for my children to participate in the work of our family. I want them to set the table without me having to get down the cups and plates. Growing up we had Corelle dishes with green flowers around the rim (referred to as Crazy Daisy and then Spring Blossom). Corelle dishes are cheap and fairly hard to break; I know my sister was setting the table by the time she was 5. I actually spent a couple of years looking for Crazy Daisy at thrift shops and on eBay; then I found out that my mom bought new dishes and gave all of the Crazy Daisy to my sister. Uugh!
(There is an even funnier component to the Crazy Daisy dishes - Mike grew up eating off the same Corelle. When his parents moved (after we were married) my parents bought all of their Crazy Daisy at the moving sale. Altogether my parents had more than 40 dinner plates, some plain white, most Crazy Daisy.)
I knew I had this set of plain white dishes for 12, bought in some fit of House Beautiful "I must have service for 12 when the family comes for Thanksgiving dinner (which they did once) and the set must have rimmed soup bowls." I bought them at IKEA in 1994, for $13 per service for 4, probably on a credit card. I bought flatware too, for even less, and recently unpacked that and put it in the trailer.
So Mike got the white dishes down for me today, and we unpacked them and started the dishwasher. Then he mentioned that we would need to pack up the old dishes. Okay, that's the part I forgot in my hormonal stupor. Dinner plates, salad plates, luncheon plates and rimmed soup bowls (but only 6 of each), platters, serving bowls, mugs, saucers, butter holder, casseroles, pie plate, vase, canisters, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera!
Might I say that I rarely use any of those serving pieces now? I almost always grab a glass serving/storage dish. I have never baked a pie in the pie pan, nor a casserole in the casserole dish; I always use Pyrex. None of the decorative pieces, such as the napkin holder (we don't use paper napkins anyway), butter holder, etc. look that great in my white and yellow kitchen, as they are cream with pink flowers.
The cheap white dishes are clean now, stacked on low shelves in the pantry so that the boys can access them without help. They were so cheap that it won't matter if they get broken piece by piece (and heck, we can save the broken pieces to make mosaics!). Mike remarked that we didn't need so many coffee cups. Thomas, in his magical way of thinking, declared them soup "nogs" (mugs) and he is right, they are the perfect size and shape for a cup of soup (or a bowl for a child).
Really, I think that white dishes and glass storage/serving pieces seems really simple. Think of all of the money we would have saved if that had been our strategy all along. Even cheaper would have been to go with whatever free dishes came our way, no matter the color or pattern. Of course, with kids some things get broken, so for cereal and snacks we use stainless steel bowls made in India, and the boys drink from Coleman enamel-over-steel camping mugs.
More insanity? The food that was on the pantry shelves is now scattered around my kitchen. It's after 4 o'clock, and I am no where near having a kitchen that I can cook in.
I wanted the white dishes unpacked. There were several reasons for this. One, I've been using the same dishes for 18 years. I replaced some of the plates a few years back after realizing that new serving pieces would cost me an arm and a leg if I ever changed dishes, but after a few more years of hard use even the new plates are very scratched (stoneware isn't exactly forgiving). I still have 12 unused plates stored, but I didn't really want to get those down.
I'm not the kind of person to buy new dishes just because. Not that I think it is wasteful, because I am sure someone would use and love the old dishes. No, I'm pretty much just too frugal to buy new dishes. The thing is, I'm not even sure I don't want my old dishes anymore. They are my wedding dishes (though not the pattern I chose), and I spent years scouring outlets and eBay to add many unique pieces. So good memories are attached to them, as well as regret (in hindsight I sure wish I hadn't bought all the accessories).
No, I had another plan. I want to make things easier for my children to participate in the work of our family. I want them to set the table without me having to get down the cups and plates. Growing up we had Corelle dishes with green flowers around the rim (referred to as Crazy Daisy and then Spring Blossom). Corelle dishes are cheap and fairly hard to break; I know my sister was setting the table by the time she was 5. I actually spent a couple of years looking for Crazy Daisy at thrift shops and on eBay; then I found out that my mom bought new dishes and gave all of the Crazy Daisy to my sister. Uugh!
(There is an even funnier component to the Crazy Daisy dishes - Mike grew up eating off the same Corelle. When his parents moved (after we were married) my parents bought all of their Crazy Daisy at the moving sale. Altogether my parents had more than 40 dinner plates, some plain white, most Crazy Daisy.)
I knew I had this set of plain white dishes for 12, bought in some fit of House Beautiful "I must have service for 12 when the family comes for Thanksgiving dinner (which they did once) and the set must have rimmed soup bowls." I bought them at IKEA in 1994, for $13 per service for 4, probably on a credit card. I bought flatware too, for even less, and recently unpacked that and put it in the trailer.
So Mike got the white dishes down for me today, and we unpacked them and started the dishwasher. Then he mentioned that we would need to pack up the old dishes. Okay, that's the part I forgot in my hormonal stupor. Dinner plates, salad plates, luncheon plates and rimmed soup bowls (but only 6 of each), platters, serving bowls, mugs, saucers, butter holder, casseroles, pie plate, vase, canisters, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera!
Might I say that I rarely use any of those serving pieces now? I almost always grab a glass serving/storage dish. I have never baked a pie in the pie pan, nor a casserole in the casserole dish; I always use Pyrex. None of the decorative pieces, such as the napkin holder (we don't use paper napkins anyway), butter holder, etc. look that great in my white and yellow kitchen, as they are cream with pink flowers.
The cheap white dishes are clean now, stacked on low shelves in the pantry so that the boys can access them without help. They were so cheap that it won't matter if they get broken piece by piece (and heck, we can save the broken pieces to make mosaics!). Mike remarked that we didn't need so many coffee cups. Thomas, in his magical way of thinking, declared them soup "nogs" (mugs) and he is right, they are the perfect size and shape for a cup of soup (or a bowl for a child).
Really, I think that white dishes and glass storage/serving pieces seems really simple. Think of all of the money we would have saved if that had been our strategy all along. Even cheaper would have been to go with whatever free dishes came our way, no matter the color or pattern. Of course, with kids some things get broken, so for cereal and snacks we use stainless steel bowls made in India, and the boys drink from Coleman enamel-over-steel camping mugs.
More insanity? The food that was on the pantry shelves is now scattered around my kitchen. It's after 4 o'clock, and I am no where near having a kitchen that I can cook in.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Looking Forward...
All afternoon I have been thinking: fall is coming. You wouldn't really know it by the 100 degree heat and the hum of the A/C, but certainly the calendar heralds its approach. Today is the last day of August, tomorrow is September and many children are heading back to school. The sycamore trees at the park have lost just a touch of their brightness, the green beginning a slow fade to yellow and brown. This weekend brings Labor Day, with the last BBQ party of the season (not that is makes any sense, as we will grill year round but not attend another BBQ until Memorial Day).
Across the web, people post about a chill in the air, as fall arrives in places like Vermont. Friends are harvesting and canning apples, peaches, and more. Gardens are bursting with produce. People are thinking about long woolens, corduroy, and boots.
I feel unsettled, ready to either nest or do the fall cleaning. I straighten the breakfast nook and put the cheery yellow and blue checked cloth on the table, just to remind myself that summer is still here. I put the pillar candles back on the table after unsuccesfully searching for the brass taper holders I had so many years ago. I try to pull down the white dishes, packed away 6 years ago and not used since. I resolve to use the silver at dinner, even though it means I have to wash it by hand.
As if in agreement with my discontent and my forward gaze toward autumn, I find the boys outside stringing paper Halloween garlands across the trees. They are disappointed when I tell them that Halloween won't be here for two months; somehow Jake thought it would be at the end of September.
One room at a time I seek and create order, harmony, beauty. A candle here, a rock or shell there, a pastel drawing on a blackboard. We find a rose and put it in a vase on the dining room table, enjoying its scent and color. We pick more roses and cut off the dead blossoms, so that October will once again bring us armfuls of flowers. I note that the lavender flowers are spent.
My head is full of Autumn's songs; the songs we started our lessons with last year. I hear the refrain of "Summer Goodbye" and think that soon we will sing it again. We'll pull out the garlands, the cornucopia, the little wool gnomes dressed in the colors of the turning leaves. We'll have a fire, and pick up our woolen handwork again.
Already the days are shorter, and we are in bed earlier and awake earlier as well. I look forward to the time change. Summer may have her last hurrah, but she cannot stay.
Round and round the earth is turning
Turning always round to morning
And from morning round to night
So also are the seasons. Summer, once dreamed of, then anticipated and finally realized, is wished a happy good-bye, and we go round and round and round...
Across the web, people post about a chill in the air, as fall arrives in places like Vermont. Friends are harvesting and canning apples, peaches, and more. Gardens are bursting with produce. People are thinking about long woolens, corduroy, and boots.
I feel unsettled, ready to either nest or do the fall cleaning. I straighten the breakfast nook and put the cheery yellow and blue checked cloth on the table, just to remind myself that summer is still here. I put the pillar candles back on the table after unsuccesfully searching for the brass taper holders I had so many years ago. I try to pull down the white dishes, packed away 6 years ago and not used since. I resolve to use the silver at dinner, even though it means I have to wash it by hand.
As if in agreement with my discontent and my forward gaze toward autumn, I find the boys outside stringing paper Halloween garlands across the trees. They are disappointed when I tell them that Halloween won't be here for two months; somehow Jake thought it would be at the end of September.
One room at a time I seek and create order, harmony, beauty. A candle here, a rock or shell there, a pastel drawing on a blackboard. We find a rose and put it in a vase on the dining room table, enjoying its scent and color. We pick more roses and cut off the dead blossoms, so that October will once again bring us armfuls of flowers. I note that the lavender flowers are spent.
My head is full of Autumn's songs; the songs we started our lessons with last year. I hear the refrain of "Summer Goodbye" and think that soon we will sing it again. We'll pull out the garlands, the cornucopia, the little wool gnomes dressed in the colors of the turning leaves. We'll have a fire, and pick up our woolen handwork again.
Already the days are shorter, and we are in bed earlier and awake earlier as well. I look forward to the time change. Summer may have her last hurrah, but she cannot stay.
Round and round the earth is turning
Turning always round to morning
And from morning round to night
So also are the seasons. Summer, once dreamed of, then anticipated and finally realized, is wished a happy good-bye, and we go round and round and round...
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
The Long Weekend
We went away last weekend; camping for 3 nights at Doheny State Beach. Sunday was our wedding anniversary, and we've made it a time to travel. We don't travel every year, but we did for our 1st anniversary, our 3rd, 4th and 5th, anniversaries, a few more here and there, and every anniversary from the 15th on. The only difference between the early years and now is that we have boys to bring along with us.
We had a wonderful time. Friday we set up, did our grocery shopping, made dinner, got the boys to bed, and then we played games (Rummikub and Mancala). Saturday we spent most of the day at the beach, went for a bike ride, made a great dinner, and had a campfire. Sunday we went to the farmer's market in San Clemente, and to the used bookstore. We made lunch, and then set off on a biking adventure. We set off on the bike trail, stopped at a fantastic park to play (why the heck doesn't Redlands have parks like this?), and then rode to my IL's new trailer. We toured the park, then rode into downtown San Juan Capistrano, locked the bikes, and walked around. Then we had to ride back to Doheny from downtown SJC; it was close to 5 miles but was enjoyable.
When the ILs realized it was our anniversary they offered to take the boys to Wahoo's while we went out to dinner. T knows really well what J-Baby can have, so I felt good about it. We went to an Italian place in SJC, sitting outside on the patio on what was a perfect evening, weather-wise. Then, in an odd coincidence, as we got ready to pay our bill Papa realized that people sitting at the next table were the people who bought our Prius last May! We chatted for a few minutes, and when we got to the parking lot they had parked right next to us. Weird!
After we got the boys to bed we sat up on the picnic table and watched the moon set. It was lovely. We talked so much over the weekend; probably far too much about the boys and the ILs, but still, it was nice.
I realized when I came home that I hadn't thought about Enki at all. What a nice break! My grade 2 book arrived (sent via media mail 8/21) while we were gone, and while I knew it was on its way I didn't even think about it coming.
I have a basic plan; this week we get the house back in shape, the laundry caught up, etc. Then we spend 3 weeks finishing out the math block, and we keep up reading practice. That will end grade 1. We have a week of vacation planned, which I intend to be as peaceful and relaxing as this past weekend was. Then I'll plan grade 2. Over the fall we'll add back in the pieces of our rhythm that have fallen by the wayside, but only after doing the "vacation at home" study and reviewing essential energy.
We had a wonderful time. Friday we set up, did our grocery shopping, made dinner, got the boys to bed, and then we played games (Rummikub and Mancala). Saturday we spent most of the day at the beach, went for a bike ride, made a great dinner, and had a campfire. Sunday we went to the farmer's market in San Clemente, and to the used bookstore. We made lunch, and then set off on a biking adventure. We set off on the bike trail, stopped at a fantastic park to play (why the heck doesn't Redlands have parks like this?), and then rode to my IL's new trailer. We toured the park, then rode into downtown San Juan Capistrano, locked the bikes, and walked around. Then we had to ride back to Doheny from downtown SJC; it was close to 5 miles but was enjoyable.
When the ILs realized it was our anniversary they offered to take the boys to Wahoo's while we went out to dinner. T knows really well what J-Baby can have, so I felt good about it. We went to an Italian place in SJC, sitting outside on the patio on what was a perfect evening, weather-wise. Then, in an odd coincidence, as we got ready to pay our bill Papa realized that people sitting at the next table were the people who bought our Prius last May! We chatted for a few minutes, and when we got to the parking lot they had parked right next to us. Weird!
After we got the boys to bed we sat up on the picnic table and watched the moon set. It was lovely. We talked so much over the weekend; probably far too much about the boys and the ILs, but still, it was nice.
I realized when I came home that I hadn't thought about Enki at all. What a nice break! My grade 2 book arrived (sent via media mail 8/21) while we were gone, and while I knew it was on its way I didn't even think about it coming.
I have a basic plan; this week we get the house back in shape, the laundry caught up, etc. Then we spend 3 weeks finishing out the math block, and we keep up reading practice. That will end grade 1. We have a week of vacation planned, which I intend to be as peaceful and relaxing as this past weekend was. Then I'll plan grade 2. Over the fall we'll add back in the pieces of our rhythm that have fallen by the wayside, but only after doing the "vacation at home" study and reviewing essential energy.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
I Give Up!
I have had this child gluten free and casein free for 6 months. If you know me, you know that there are no mistakes, no cake for a special occasion, no ice cream just because everyone else is having it. I cook, I bake, I pack food to take everywhere.
Wasn't it just 3 weeks ago that my sister and I were talking about how wonderful and happy he seemed? Wasn't I mentally patting myself on the back, thinking that I finally had it figured out? No casein, no gluten, no citrus, no soy. More protein, more fats.
I shouldn't have talked about it, because for 3 weeks he's been pooping his pants again. I can't take it anymore. You aren't supposed to get angry, but that is advice from people who aren't scrubbing poop off a 6 year old (stuck to him because he ignored it until his brother pointed out that he smelled) and dunking underwear in the toilet. I am not angry at him, I feel bad for him, but I am so sick of doing this.
He had no problems at all from age 2.5 to 4YO. Something happened, something changed, and poop accidents became part of our daily routine (often more than once a day). Nothing dramatic happened at home, there was no divorce, no new sibling, no change in home or school. No one died, no one moved away.
Last year, in October and November, we had 6 weeks of no accidents, without needing hourly reminders to sit on the toilet. I thought we were past it. Then the acidents started again. In January it seemed to me that it might be irritable bowel, and we decided to eliminate gluten as he had reacted to it as a baby, and he was so itchy all of the time that it must be an allergy to something.
I thought we had progress. He'd start to have an accident, then control it and finish on the toilet. He was still itchy. We took out citrus, and the itchiness and rashes went away. Still small accidents, although much better. We eliminated soy. Victory! He had almost 2 months of no accidents at all. He was happier, less stubborn, more cooperative.
Here we are again. Still gluten, casein, citrus, and soy free, but unhappy, combative, and having accidents. Was I wrong? Are the moods related to his unhappiness at having accidents? What am I doing wrong?
I don't want to do this anymore. Honestly, if he is going to poop his pants everyday then I would just as soon feed him gluten and not have to bake and cook everything from scratch. I'm tired of food allergies and restrictive diets.
There isn't anyone who can help. If there was a doctor close by that had any experience with alternative medicine I wouldn't be able to pay out-of-pocket anyway. I will not start my child down the allopathic path to lifelong medication.
I don't know what to do. I am not going to get any support for following a GF/CF diet if he is just as combative and uncooperative as when he did have gluten in his diet, and if he is pooping his pants everyday.
Wasn't it just 3 weeks ago that my sister and I were talking about how wonderful and happy he seemed? Wasn't I mentally patting myself on the back, thinking that I finally had it figured out? No casein, no gluten, no citrus, no soy. More protein, more fats.
I shouldn't have talked about it, because for 3 weeks he's been pooping his pants again. I can't take it anymore. You aren't supposed to get angry, but that is advice from people who aren't scrubbing poop off a 6 year old (stuck to him because he ignored it until his brother pointed out that he smelled) and dunking underwear in the toilet. I am not angry at him, I feel bad for him, but I am so sick of doing this.
He had no problems at all from age 2.5 to 4YO. Something happened, something changed, and poop accidents became part of our daily routine (often more than once a day). Nothing dramatic happened at home, there was no divorce, no new sibling, no change in home or school. No one died, no one moved away.
Last year, in October and November, we had 6 weeks of no accidents, without needing hourly reminders to sit on the toilet. I thought we were past it. Then the acidents started again. In January it seemed to me that it might be irritable bowel, and we decided to eliminate gluten as he had reacted to it as a baby, and he was so itchy all of the time that it must be an allergy to something.
I thought we had progress. He'd start to have an accident, then control it and finish on the toilet. He was still itchy. We took out citrus, and the itchiness and rashes went away. Still small accidents, although much better. We eliminated soy. Victory! He had almost 2 months of no accidents at all. He was happier, less stubborn, more cooperative.
Here we are again. Still gluten, casein, citrus, and soy free, but unhappy, combative, and having accidents. Was I wrong? Are the moods related to his unhappiness at having accidents? What am I doing wrong?
I don't want to do this anymore. Honestly, if he is going to poop his pants everyday then I would just as soon feed him gluten and not have to bake and cook everything from scratch. I'm tired of food allergies and restrictive diets.
There isn't anyone who can help. If there was a doctor close by that had any experience with alternative medicine I wouldn't be able to pay out-of-pocket anyway. I will not start my child down the allopathic path to lifelong medication.
I don't know what to do. I am not going to get any support for following a GF/CF diet if he is just as combative and uncooperative as when he did have gluten in his diet, and if he is pooping his pants everyday.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
What's Going On Now?
Time and time again I come to crisis. It is trial by fire and I emerge changed and seeking. Because of Enki, however, I know that wisdom and vitality are inherent within me. I do not need to look outside of myself, I need to look within, and I need to clear the clouds.
I am rather vulnerable right now, but oddly strong. The things that are important to me are clearly in focus. I embrace what I have and hold it dear, and I reach a place of acceptance about the losses in my life. There are things that I want, that I don't have right now, but what I do have is mine and it is good.
We're taking it really easy this week in terms of actual lessons. We're snuggling and reading, singing, riding our bikes, eating good food, and enjoying the weather that is more like April than August. We'll walk to the library tonight, and enjoy a big band concert.
Our brother-in-law and two of our nephews are leaving this weekend to live in Europe, so we are spending time with them and just soaking in who those boys are right now, for certainly they will be quite changed the next time we see them. We are finding it within ourselves to infuse the parting with joy and not sorrow. There is loss, but also growth and change.
I think our Enki will change as well. As I study the guides I find myself far more interested in the heart of the matter (essential energy) and not so much skills and methods. No more will I cram so that I can present lessons. We will finish this block and then take a long break. I will take my time planning, using the Enki web and essential energy as my guides, and not a list of skills a second grader should acquire. I will let go of being "behind" and just accept where we are. I want my children to live fully now, to experience their wisdom and vitality. I'm ready to paint, to sink into the color, and to stop trying to find the paint-by-numbers picture that is not there.
I am rather vulnerable right now, but oddly strong. The things that are important to me are clearly in focus. I embrace what I have and hold it dear, and I reach a place of acceptance about the losses in my life. There are things that I want, that I don't have right now, but what I do have is mine and it is good.
We're taking it really easy this week in terms of actual lessons. We're snuggling and reading, singing, riding our bikes, eating good food, and enjoying the weather that is more like April than August. We'll walk to the library tonight, and enjoy a big band concert.
Our brother-in-law and two of our nephews are leaving this weekend to live in Europe, so we are spending time with them and just soaking in who those boys are right now, for certainly they will be quite changed the next time we see them. We are finding it within ourselves to infuse the parting with joy and not sorrow. There is loss, but also growth and change.
I think our Enki will change as well. As I study the guides I find myself far more interested in the heart of the matter (essential energy) and not so much skills and methods. No more will I cram so that I can present lessons. We will finish this block and then take a long break. I will take my time planning, using the Enki web and essential energy as my guides, and not a list of skills a second grader should acquire. I will let go of being "behind" and just accept where we are. I want my children to live fully now, to experience their wisdom and vitality. I'm ready to paint, to sink into the color, and to stop trying to find the paint-by-numbers picture that is not there.
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