I thought I would post a big post about this, with all of the words that have been swimming through my head and begging to be typed out, but I am going to wait. Something tells me that the story is more than a blog post. So for now there is just a brief synopsis.
My grandpa died Monday night. We didn't miss the chance to say goodbye, even though we didn't know it was goodbye. We arrived that morning, spent the day with him, and we were there that night to take Grandma to the hospital when she got the call.
The grief is hard and raw and more than I expected...much, much more. I've lost grandparents before, and I feel a little guilty that this hurts more. Today has been foggy and sad. Luckily, I had a good friend who could come and sit with me for a few hours this afternoon, and later I had an hour an a half alone while Papa and the boys went to the farmers' market. Just a few minutes ago I had my first real smile of the day: J-Baby talked Papa into helping him pull out his loose tooth, and now he has an adorable front gap that melts my heart.
Just like that, with an act of ordinary life, we fell back into rhythm, something that we couldn't find today. Jammies are on, the snack has been served, and Papa is reading. I'll sing and snuggle the boys, and kiss them goodnight. Papa and I will sit close on the couch and watch Rome and Battlestar Galactica. It's going to be okay.