Thursday, June 29, 2006

Feeling Lost....

We just haven't been able to get back into a groove. The basic framework of the rhythm is there and is working well, it's just me. I'm not feeling very inspired to put back in some of the things that have fallen by the wayside. That would be fine, if we weren't talking about important activities like movement, music, arts and crafts, and even sometimes the secondary lessons (practice).

I want it all to fit in and work, but I also want it to be natural and real. I suppose that it won't always feel unnatural - they don't always like the morning walk, for example, but if we did it regularly it would at least become a part of the rhythm and they might come to enjoy and even anticipate it. There wasn't total resistance when we were going before, except to actually getting out the door. These days I know the resistance is mine - I don't like the heat.

(The dog has also been restless, and we're wondering if a regular walk would help her. At the same time, anything she does regularly becomes expected and then she gets super anxious when left home.)

Then, do I want to wake up early or do I want to sleep in? I actually have come to enjoy getting up a little earlier (not so early that I feel sick and grumpy all day), but T-Guy wants me to sleep in and if I don't he starts his day really poorly and I feel guilty. Conflicting needs.

I seem to be in a summer slump. Low energy (but I still can't nap and have trouble sleeping at night) plagues me. It isn't a good time to be outside, but inside I'm not very motivated. I am sleeping poorly, even with medication (I am a chronic insomniac).


Reading Kari's blog, I realized that I am in serious detox right now, which may be part of why I don't feel well physically and my emotions have been all over the place. And what did I eat for lunch? A piece of whole wheat toast with peanut butter on it, two foods I know I should avoid. For people who don't have intolerances, you can't imagine the pull of the foods that you shouldn't have. I really have to get the leftover (from camping) gluten foods out of the house, and have some discipline when it comes to peanut butter (because J-Baby seems fine with it). When camping we let a little dairy in, and then I wanted more (cream cheese on a bagel, sour cream on a potato). I actually get a relaxed feeling once I have casein.

We didn't eat a lot of nutrient rich foods while we were camping, and I know that affects my energy. I still suspect low iron (since I am bruising easily and am almost always anemic when I am not supplementing), but I am reluctant to treat it until I am tested. Everything is such a dance with me; my health isn't what I want it to be, although I am moving closer. My goal is to be active in a natural manner (part of my lifestyle), to be at a thin, healthy weight, and to be off all medication, including hormones. I've come so far, but it may be a year before I can be rid of all medication. I am going to wean off sleeping meds this fall, when we are on our break.

Really, the only way I know to achieve that is to eat a whole foods vegan diet, avoiding gluten and all the other no-nos (HFCS, hydrogenated fats, preservatives, artificial anything) and to really work on pinpointing my allergies. The diet has to be rich in beans, fruits, and vegetables, especially greens. When I was feeling great late last fall I was eating about half of my diet raw, with beans and greens everyday. Not coincidentally, that is when I was losing weight pretty quickly.

Anyway, most of that doesn't have much to do with Enki, except that teacher health is a big part of Enki. It is addressed more from an emotional/spiritual aspect, but in reality, without good physical health it is very hard to be the teacher and parent you want to be. That has been one of my inspirations to really turn my life around and get serious about my physical health.


  1. We are just taking a hiatus for a bit, at least the kids are. I need to focus on GM and helping to support him through this time. I am kidding myself if I think he can handle the energy level of our regular rhythm. We will have to adjust as a family. Also his needs are draining me, so I need the time to just be and exhale a little. I really feel like if I give this the attention and importance it needs, we will move through it all the faster.
    Are you allergic to peanuts too? Yikes! Thank goodness GM loves nuts, it is one of the only natural protein sources that he loves. He wont eat a bean!!! However, we can put some greens in the vita mixer and hide them in a smoothie. Although, not yet. He is quite distrusting of them so far. But, we are getting a lot of fresh fruits into him this way, as well as a protien powder to help with protien levels.

    Your right, Teacher health is huge! We are the mast that holds the sail that keeps this boat moving forward. Without it, we are just floating around aimless, we have to take care of ourselves. sometimes that just means taking some time to relax and just "be".

    I decided that this afternoon, we are blowing off our cleaning (my cleaning) and getting in our jammies to snuggle up in bed, drink some tea and watch a movie. All three kids and me. We just need to have some closeness in a way that allows us all to rest and feel supported.

  2. I've recently begun reacting to walnuts and peanuts. The walnut reaction is more severe (itching throat - yikes!) and the peanut seems more dose dependent.

    I also react to eggplant, tomatoes, honeydew melon, and many other foods, plus I react badly to any food with a lot of natural histimine if my immune system is already taxed. As a child I was confirmed allergic to casein, and had terrible reactions to sauerkraut, tomatoes (in any form), and elk (isn't that a weird one?).

    J-Baby is doing so well now that I am reluctant to pursue the multiple food elimination diet, and yet I think we all need to identify our food sensitivities so we can avoid the severe allergies, and use enzymes and a rotation diet to manage the rest. But first we need to get back to schooling.

    You know, J-Baby was distrustful of whole beans for a long time. He first learned to eat them in a tortilla, just a few at a time with a lot of olives (interestingly enough, he was always will to eat a bean and cheese burrito, since it had both gluten and casein). He will only eat pinto beans (or a pinto variation like rattlesnake beans), not black beans, kidney beans, garbanzos, etc. Several months ago I let him help refry some beans and now he likes those too (I use plenty of oil for him), but only with GF corn chips of a GF tostada shell. My next goal is to make a grain and bean burger or loaf that he will like.

    We had to go hardcore with him last fall. It had to be "this is what we have to eat." We did this even before going GF, because he had become a terribly picky eater. It did help that we were all eating the same foods.

    Jake won't touch a green; not lettuce, spinach, chard, etc. Not even covered in cashew cream sauce. He also won't drink smoothies, but luckily loves raw carrots, fresh fruit, and many green veggies (if he can have Earth Balance on them).

    Special Diets for Special Kids II has a zucchini bread recipe that is good and has quite a bit of zucchini in it. I didn't think my boys would go for it, so I made it when they weren't home and they loved it (since they didn't see the zucchini go in). Now they know about the zucchini and it is fine. I need to borrow the book again, and I think I'll sneak some fresh spinach in with the zucchini. I've read you can do that with brownies too.

    Enjoy your movie!